After years of binge drinking, this alcoholic hit bottom and found a new way of life. Read the true story of her spiritual journey from despair to hope:
Here I am ...
... waking up to terror,
bewilderment, frustration and despair.
The intense fear, of complete loss of hope from the confusion of not understanding
my ability to change. The agonizing
memories of what I had done the night before, the strain of trying to remember
the forgotten hours in between, the pounding pain in my head, the sickening
feeling deep in my soul, the shame and regret that I promised myself that the
night would be different this time, the hopelessness that there was no help for
me. I used to walk into the bar saying
“Here I am” with arms wide open, a drink waiting for me at the bar, a smile for
everyone, never-ending conversations with strangers, loud music, dancing, and everyone
drunk saying “I love you”, “Can I get you another one”, “You look great” and “See
you tomorrow.”
Here I am ...
... drinking at home, pulling
all-nighters with my new best friend - Bacardi.
Except now my friend was not giving me the “good time” feeling, telling
me everything is great and forget about all that misery in your life ... my friend
was attacking me hard and wanted only destruction, sorrow and pain. Alcohol had stopped doing for me what it used
to and I was powerless over its control.
My head was full, my heart was empty and I was broken, lost, and scared. I didn’t want to drink but I couldn’t stop. I was looking for all my solutions in all the
wrong places. I was sick all the time, I
had unexplainable bruises, my skin was a mess, I was gaining weight, I was
damaging organs, I was always in dangerous situation and with all these
consequences and fears from drinking, all I could ask myself was If I didn’t
drink what was I going to be like, how was I going to act, would people still
like me, would I still have friends, what would everyone say about me. My physical and emotional health and safety was
not important enough, only my own selfish, egotistically, justifiable means
were what was relevant.
Here I am ...
... so depressed I called a
friend I knew was in the program and said that something’s wrong with me I
can’t stop drinking. We chatted and he
told me to find a meeting and go. In bed
that night a soft gently voice whispered in my ear “Remember me”. I froze, it’s happening, I have finally lost my
mind. For the next six months my drinking
was at its worst, but I went back to church, sobbing trying to get through
songs, thinking I don’t deserve any help not with all I’ve done, who I’ve
become, countless people I have hurt and sins committed beyond any
forgiveness. But I kept going back because
it was the only place I felt safe. I
could tell God anything and I prayed … Here I am ... please help me!
Here I am ...
... in a police car, prayers
answered … God did for me what I could not do for myself. He found His way to
help me. And so my journey in this program began. The soft voice I heard six months earlier
saying “remember me” I now understood it … For me it was God saying the days
ahead will be difficult but “here I am” I have always been with you, remember
me! For the first time in that police
car I felt peace, relief, and awareness that someone was with me. I had no idea what was going to happen next,
all I knew and felt was - it’s finally
over!
Here I am ...
... celebrating my 6th year in Alcoholics Anonymous. Waking up the opposite of how I used to ... safe,
calm, satisfied, joyful, blessed, and
grateful. The list is never-ending. All
this is not possible without my continued contact with God, the A.A. way of life
and the group of friends (who are now just like family) who have gone before me
to show me the way out of the dark and into the light by doing a few simple,
not easy, steps with someone and not alone.
Because as hard as I’m working on staying sober, my disease is working
harder to take me back to the misery, the “not yets”, the pain and sadness and
eventually death. This I must remember,
to always play the tape through, to never think “I got this”, to stay humble
and keep growing and that the blessings come after the obedience. I walk into meetings instead of bars and find
strangers who become friends, coffee waiting instead of a drink, arms wide open
with a hug attached, and everyone saying “Keep coming back”, “Don’t quit before
the miracle happens”, “We’ll love you until you can love yourself” and “You never have to feel this way again”. I’ve learned things like … to tell my problems
how big my God is, to get out of the problem and into the solution, faith
without work is dead, and so many other motivating sayings. God gave me the gift of sobriety a gift I
cherish and I never want to give this gift back and I don’t have to as long as
I don’t take a drink and give back to others what was freely given to me. Every day there is something new for me to
learn, to work on, to let go of, to pass on and I never have to do any of this
or anything else alone. I need to keep
coming back and listen, share, learn and feel….I want to keep coming back. Just like in church, I find the peace, the
solution, the unconditional love, the safety every time I walk through the A.A.
doors and into a meeting. In my short
time in sobriety I have seen the promises come true in my life. I have had the honor of raising my daughters,
who are wonderful, striving, strong young ladies who know about this disease
but most importantly they see the solution.
I have achieved things that seemed impossible like two promotions at my
job, putting my daughters through college and living on my own. That helping someone or giving to someone
without being found out is the greatest act of kindness there is. That self-seeking for me is destruction for
everyone around me. That I can accept
what is out of my control knowing that the only one in control is God. I have even learned to pray for and forgive
those I couldn’t have six years ago and that anger has been replaced with
compassion. I don’t have to do any of
this perfect, but I do have to keep trying my best to do something because if
I’m not moving forward I’m slipping backwards.
And the promises will materialize if I work for them.
Here I am ...
… a blessed child of God,
mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, dancer, co-worker, writer, cancer
patient and promising survivor, a lady who is not defined by my past but from
my actions today, forgiven and forgiving others, a student daily working on
myself through the 12 steps of this program and a truly and deeply grateful
member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And for those who need to talk, have a desire
for this way of life, are willing to go to any length to recover from this
disease, and are sick and tired of being sick and tired … Here I am!
~ Ann W., Southern Maryland
